LT Features

And The Oscar Goes To… It’s my favorite day in Hollywood (aside from the Razzie Awards) – the Oscar nominations are out and now the bashing can begin!  Oh boy, I just love the deeply personalized opinions that go hand-and-hand with The Academy Awards.  Honestly, you would think that everyone had a kid in the running - how many times have you heard “they nominated her and not him?”  I keep looking at cars and expecting to see a “My Child Was Nominated for Best Actor or Actress at Oscar High” bumper sticker.  (Side note; those Honor Roll stickers are an open invitation to get you car keyed). I could go through all of the nominees and discuss who I think will win and who I think should win – an important difference – but I thought it would be more fun to look at the list and come up with my ideal evening, aside from who walks away with the trophy, because it’s an honor just to be nominated and they’re all winners… or whatever.  So in LT’s world this is what would happen: Javier Bardem would win Actor in a Leading Role and hold his newborn son with Penelope Cruz up to the audience, Lion King style.  Geoffrey Rush would win Actor in a Supporting Role for The King’s Speech but he would stutter through his entire acceptance speech and Christian Bale would bust onto the stage, Kanye West-Taylor Swift-style and knock Geoff out, proving that he might look like he’s suffering from major man-o-rexia but that he can still pack a punch.  Nicole Kidman would win Actress in a Leading Role for her performance in Rabbit Hole because she really did an amazing job.  But then Natalie Portman would get so upset that she lost that either A) she goes into labor and delivers her baby right in the middle of the ceremony or B) she starts wrestling with her psyche and then making out with Mila Kunis… or just whacking off… I’m still not sure which it was.  Next up Hailee Steinfeld wins Actress in a Supporting Role for her performance in True Gritand, after thanking the Academy, she screams, “Take that, Tatum O’Neal!”  (If she does win, Hailee won’t surpass O’Neal as the youngest winner – she’s four years too late for that – but it would still be hilarious). Best Directing would go to the Coen brothers for True Grit but they would only be given one statue and, after a few seconds of an awkward tug-of-war over Oscar, their mom would come out from behind the curtain and scold them both.  She might say, “play nice!” or “no TV for a week!” or something equally mortifying.  Maybe even spit on a tissue and rub it all over their faces.  Then a whole bunch of other awards would be given out - AKA I would take a bathroom break and re-stock the popcorn bowl - and as the nominees for Best Picture were being introduced by my adoptive parents Brad and Angelina (yes, Brad is also my boyfriend so it gets a little complicated and sick but just go with it) the power would go out and the big winner would be a mystery because, frankly, there is nothing more irritating yet intriguing than a cliff hanger.  The last thing the audience would hear would be James Franco screaming in agony because anything regarding cliffs sends him into a nasty127 Hoursflashback. Leave a comment below and tell me how your ideal night would go! L.T.

And The Oscar Goes To…

It’s my favorite day in Hollywood (aside from the Razzie Awards) – the Oscar nominations are out and now the bashing can begin!  Oh boy, I just love the deeply personalized opinions that go hand-and-hand with The Academy Awards.  Honestly, you would think that everyone had a kid in the running - how many times have you heard “they nominated her and not him?”  I keep looking at cars and expecting to see a “My Child Was Nominated for Best Actor or Actress at Oscar High” bumper sticker.  (Side note; those Honor Roll stickers are an open invitation to get you car keyed).

I could go through all of the nominees and discuss who I think will win and who I think should win – an important difference – but I thought it would be more fun to look at the list and come up with my ideal evening, aside from who walks away with the trophy, because it’s an honor just to be nominated and they’re all winners… or whatever.  So in LT’s world this is what would happen:

Javier Bardem would win Actor in a Leading Role and hold his newborn son with Penelope Cruz up to the audience, Lion King style.  Geoffrey Rush would win Actor in a Supporting Role for The King’s Speech but he would stutter through his entire acceptance speech and Christian Bale would bust onto the stage, Kanye West-Taylor Swift-style and knock Geoff out, proving that he might look like he’s suffering from major man-o-rexia but that he can still pack a punch. 

Nicole Kidman would win Actress in a Leading Role for her performance in Rabbit Hole because she really did an amazing job.  But then Natalie Portman would get so upset that she lost that either A) she goes into labor and delivers her baby right in the middle of the ceremony or B) she starts wrestling with her psyche and then making out with Mila Kunis… or just whacking off… I’m still not sure which it was.  Next up Hailee Steinfeld wins Actress in a Supporting Role for her performance in True Gritand, after thanking the Academy, she screams, “Take that, Tatum O’Neal!”  (If she does win, Hailee won’t surpass O’Neal as the youngest winner – she’s four years too late for that – but it would still be hilarious).

Best Directing would go to the Coen brothers for True Grit but they would only be given one statue and, after a few seconds of an awkward tug-of-war over Oscar, their mom would come out from behind the curtain and scold them both.  She might say, “play nice!” or “no TV for a week!” or something equally mortifying.  Maybe even spit on a tissue and rub it all over their faces.  Then a whole bunch of other awards would be given out - AKA I would take a bathroom break and re-stock the popcorn bowl - and as the nominees for Best Picture were being introduced by my adoptive parents Brad and Angelina (yes, Brad is also my boyfriend so it gets a little complicated and sick but just go with it) the power would go out and the big winner would be a mystery because, frankly, there is nothing more irritating yet intriguing than a cliff hanger.  The last thing the audience would hear would be James Franco screaming in agony because anything regarding cliffs sends him into a nasty127 Hoursflashback.

Leave a comment below and tell me how your ideal night would go!

L.T.