LT Features

Oscars®: Four Hours of Awkwardness… Like a bad blind date, The Academy Awards® ran too long and was way too awkward for my taste.  But sadly, unlike a bad set-up, I couldn’t have a “sudden family emergency” and flee the scene.  And I couldn’t stop watching because they always save Best Picture for last – damn you, wily programmers!  Here are my Top Sixteen (sorry, there were just too many for only Top Ten) cringe-worthy moments of the evening. Crazy Kanye-stage-jumping woman in purple – who are you and what are you wearing?  Seriously, is it a floor-length pleated coat?  It was physically difficult to watch and you owe me an apology for hurting my delicate sensibilities, not to mention my eyes.  George Clooney – why are you so sad?  Do you need a hug?  Because I’m available… More sad than awkward – where was Brangelina?  I heard they were too busy with one of their kid’s birthday parties.  Really?  Come on.  Do you think they scalped their tickets? Hey interpretive dancers – the Sherlock Holmes theme song is not meant for break dancing. Sandy Powell, the woman who won for Best Costume Design, made possibly the most awkward speech of all time.  Sandy, next time don’t start with “Wow.  Well, I already have two of these…” Hey Miley Cyrus – stand up straight!  How awkward for Billy Ray – didn’t you teach her how to like, I don’t know… stand?  Or was she going for the achy-breaky back look? The mother ship of awkwardness – wearing the same outfit as someone else!  Did all of the Hollywood stylists get together over tea and crumpets and decide that every woman was going to wear red or gold?  Was there a Chinese New Year themed after-party that I’m not aware of?  Speaking of ensembles, did you guys know that Chris March from “Project Runway” designed Meryl’s dress?  Awesome for him, awkward for all of the designers with actual stores who were vying for Meryl to be their walking mannequin.  He showed you! Since I’m on the subject… Dear Kate Winslet, junior prom called and they want their two-piece-formal-wear-outfit back.  But kudos for trying something new, I guess! Not The Academy’s fault, but still worthy of an honorable mention – what was up with that perfume/cancer commercial brought to you by Debbie Downer? More freaky than awkward, but why the graphic horror film mishmash?  Dear montage editor, what did I ever do to you to make you want to ruin my life?  I was not prepared for how creepy that would be.  Next time give a girl some warning.  And Twilight is not a horror movie.  Come on people. Remember when Meryl Streep tried to hug Sandra Bullock but she was already walking towards the stage?  Umm… awkward! Awkward confusion and not being able to find the stage – seriously?  You’re nominated and your category is coming up but you haven’t planned your route to the stage?  You only have a few precious moments to make a more-than-likely awkward speech and you’re going to spend a whole minute of it standing in the audience looking bewildered?  Are you lost?  Do you need to Mapquest it?  Here is a tip for next time – that giant platform you have been starring at is the stage.  Walk up the steps, one foot after the other, and you’re there. Sean Penn – what on Earth are you talking about?  You make me so uncomfy. King of the Awkward – James Cameron – let me get this straight… Avatar earned a bazillion dollars (and inspired Ben Stiller’s ensemble, my vote for Best Dressed of the night) and yet you’re seated behind your ex-wife, Kathryn Bigelow, and lost to her for both Best Director and Best Picture?  Ouch.  How capital-‘A’-awkward for you and your current wife, Suzy Amis (wife #5 for those of you keeping track). Tom Hanks – way to jump to the point… are you trying to get home in time for “Keeping Up with the Kardashians”?  Didn’t anyone tell you it was a re-run? Surprisingly un-awkward was Jeff Bridge’s speech.  He may have been stoned or just channeling The Dude, but either way I loved it, despite the major awkward potential that comes when you mix live television with the kind of calm that only comes from years of drug use. And one final incident you can file under “something your mom would find awkward but it actually awesome” — the Snuggie built for two that Steve and Alec were rocking.  99% awesome, 1% awkward.  I’m a fan. So what did YOU think of the Oscars®?  What were the highlights and lowlights?  Did you make it to the end?  And remember to hang on — we’re in this together! L.T.

Oscars®: Four Hours of Awkwardness…

Like a bad blind date, The Academy Awards® ran too long and was way too awkward for my taste.  But sadly, unlike a bad set-up, I couldn’t have a “sudden family emergency” and flee the scene.  And I couldn’t stop watching because they always save Best Picture for last – damn you, wily programmers!  Here are my Top Sixteen (sorry, there were just too many for only Top Ten) cringe-worthy moments of the evening.

  1. Crazy Kanye-stage-jumping woman in purple – who are you and what are you wearing?  Seriously, is it a floor-length pleated coat?  It was physically difficult to watch and you owe me an apology for hurting my delicate sensibilities, not to mention my eyes. 
  2. George Clooney – why are you so sad?  Do you need a hug?  Because I’m available…
  3. More sad than awkward – where was Brangelina?  I heard they were too busy with one of their kid’s birthday parties.  Really?  Come on.  Do you think they scalped their tickets?
  4. Hey interpretive dancers – the Sherlock Holmes theme song is not meant for break dancing.
  5. Sandy Powell, the woman who won for Best Costume Design, made possibly the most awkward speech of all time.  Sandy, next time don’t start with “Wow.  Well, I already have two of these…”
  6. Hey Miley Cyrus – stand up straight!  How awkward for Billy Ray – didn’t you teach her how to like, I don’t know… stand?  Or was she going for the achy-breaky back look?
  7. The mother ship of awkwardness – wearing the same outfit as someone else!  Did all of the Hollywood stylists get together over tea and crumpets and decide that every woman was going to wear red or gold?  Was there a Chinese New Year themed after-party that I’m not aware of? 
  8. Speaking of ensembles, did you guys know that Chris March from “Project Runway” designed Meryl’s dress?  Awesome for him, awkward for all of the designers with actual stores who were vying for Meryl to be their walking mannequin.  He showed you!
  9. Since I’m on the subject… Dear Kate Winslet, junior prom called and they want their two-piece-formal-wear-outfit back.  But kudos for trying something new, I guess!
  10. Not The Academy’s fault, but still worthy of an honorable mention – what was up with that perfume/cancer commercial brought to you by Debbie Downer?
  11. More freaky than awkward, but why the graphic horror film mishmash?  Dear montage editor, what did I ever do to you to make you want to ruin my life?  I was not prepared for how creepy that would be.  Next time give a girl some warning.  And Twilight is not a horror movie.  Come on people.
  12. Remember when Meryl Streep tried to hug Sandra Bullock but she was already walking towards the stage?  Umm… awkward!
  13. Awkward confusion and not being able to find the stage – seriously?  You’re nominated and your category is coming up but you haven’t planned your route to the stage?  You only have a few precious moments to make a more-than-likely awkward speech and you’re going to spend a whole minute of it standing in the audience looking bewildered?  Are you lost?  Do you need to Mapquest it?  Here is a tip for next time – that giant platform you have been starring at is the stage.  Walk up the steps, one foot after the other, and you’re there.
  14. Sean Penn – what on Earth are you talking about?  You make me so uncomfy.
  15. King of the Awkward – James Cameron – let me get this straight… Avatar earned a bazillion dollars (and inspired Ben Stiller’s ensemble, my vote for Best Dressed of the night) and yet you’re seated behind your ex-wife, Kathryn Bigelow, and lost to her for both Best Director and Best Picture?  Ouch.  How capital-‘A’-awkward for you and your current wife, Suzy Amis (wife #5 for those of you keeping track).
  16. Tom Hanks – way to jump to the point… are you trying to get home in time for “Keeping Up with the Kardashians”?  Didn’t anyone tell you it was a re-run?

Surprisingly un-awkward was Jeff Bridge’s speech.  He may have been stoned or just channeling The Dude, but either way I loved it, despite the major awkward potential that comes when you mix live television with the kind of calm that only comes from years of drug use.

And one final incident you can file under “something your mom would find awkward but it actually awesome” — the Snuggie built for two that Steve and Alec were rocking.  99% awesome, 1% awkward.  I’m a fan.

So what did YOU think of the Oscars®?  What were the highlights and lowlights?  Did you make it to the end?  And remember to hang on — we’re in this together!

L.T.