LT Features

An Open Letter to Ahhhhnold Umm… hey Arnold.  Not sure how to tell you this but I think you’ve lost your dang mind.  I mean, really, what is going on over there?  Have you been hanging out with Jesse James?  Thank goodness I’m a speed-reader because frankly I’m not sure how I could keep up with all your craziness if I weren’t.  First I read you’re getting divorced – my condolences – then I see that it’s because you had an affair.  You should definitely be publically shamed for your inability to keep it in your spandex shorts, but a celebrity having an affair (especially one in politics and double especially one who lives in California) happens about as frequently as my feeding times so I cant say I was surprised.  What did surprise me, however, was that you were dumb enough to freestyle it and had a kid – POSSIBLY TWO KIDS – with these women.  I know English isn’t your first language (heck, are you even fluent?) but you should at least be able to read the instructions on a condom wrapper.  And even if you can’t, they’re pretty self-explanatory.  A one-night stand, fine; an affair, shame on you; having a kid, bad news; having ANOTHER child with yet another woman… you have got to be kidding me.  But the worst part of the entire shebang (emphasis on the ‘bang’) is that you didn’t acknowledge these children for almost 15 years.  A couple bottles of wine and a new pool boy and Maria will be fine – these two kids are the real victims.  Bottom line – you give me a bad case of the yuckies. Love, LT! Moving forward – a couple notes.  One, does the Governator’s clear ability to impregnate anyone in his path debunk the rumor that steroids affect a man’s fertility?  Two, who wouldda thunk that anyone could make John Edwards and Elliot Spitzer look relatively normal?  Three, lets remember Arnold for the legacy he would have left behind had this last week not happened.  Yes, I know - that’s kind of like saying, “whenever I think of Charlie Sheen, I think about how great he was in Platoon!” but we have to try to look past Arnold’s indiscretions in the name of entertainment.  Pumping Iron, The Running Man, Raw Deal, The Expendables, The Terminatorand he’s greatest role ever as Detective John Kimble in Kindergarten Cop – these are all great movies, people!  So lets take a moment to thank Arnold for all he has done for Hollywood (both as an actor and as the Governor) and, more importantly, let’s thank him for not impregnating us. L.T.

An Open Letter to Ahhhhnold

Umm… hey Arnold.  Not sure how to tell you this but I think you’ve lost your dang mind.  I mean, really, what is going on over there?  Have you been hanging out with Jesse James?  Thank goodness I’m a speed-reader because frankly I’m not sure how I could keep up with all your craziness if I weren’t.  First I read you’re getting divorced – my condolences – then I see that it’s because you had an affair.  You should definitely be publically shamed for your inability to keep it in your spandex shorts, but a celebrity having an affair (especially one in politics and double especially one who lives in California) happens about as frequently as my feeding times so I cant say I was surprised.  What did surprise me, however, was that you were dumb enough to freestyle it and had a kid – POSSIBLY TWO KIDS – with these women. 

I know English isn’t your first language (heck, are you even fluent?) but you should at least be able to read the instructions on a condom wrapper.  And even if you can’t, they’re pretty self-explanatory.  A one-night stand, fine; an affair, shame on you; having a kid, bad news; having ANOTHER child with yet another woman… you have got to be kidding me.  But the worst part of the entire shebang (emphasis on the ‘bang’) is that you didn’t acknowledge these children for almost 15 years.  A couple bottles of wine and a new pool boy and Maria will be fine – these two kids are the real victims.  Bottom line – you give me a bad case of the yuckies.

Love, LT!

Moving forward – a couple notes.  One, does the Governator’s clear ability to impregnate anyone in his path debunk the rumor that steroids affect a man’s fertility?  Two, who wouldda thunk that anyone could make John Edwards and Elliot Spitzer look relatively normal?  Three, lets remember Arnold for the legacy he would have left behind had this last week not happened.  Yes, I know - that’s kind of like saying, “whenever I think of Charlie Sheen, I think about how great he was in Platoon!” but we have to try to look past Arnold’s indiscretions in the name of entertainment.  Pumping Iron, The Running Man, Raw Deal, The Expendables, The Terminatorand he’s greatest role ever as Detective John Kimble in Kindergarten Cop – these are all great movies, people!  So lets take a moment to thank Arnold for all he has done for Hollywood (both as an actor and as the Governor) and, more importantly, let’s thank him for not impregnating us.

L.T.