LT Features

Married and Buried Way back in September I was lucky enough to...

Fri, 03 Jun 2011 15:36:00 -0400

Married and Buried

Way back in September I was lucky enough to go to the Buried press junket and hover in the corner breathing heavily while Derek interviewed the film’s star, Ryan Reynolds, and Director, Rodrigo Cortes. It was the perfect day in every way but one… although obviously I could feel the sexual tension in the air and Ry-Ry kept winking at me (or twitching, whatever), he hadn’t formally announced his divorce from Black Widow yet and thus I, being the lady that I am, didn’t feel comfortable putting the moves on him. But now the stars have aligned and I have a second chance!

Buried premieres on EPIX this Sunday and you can bet your bottom dollar that I will be transporting myself into that coffin with Ryan during his time of need. Sure, a stranger teleporting herself into the ground with some romantic candles, homemade trail mix, and a camel back filled with margaritas might not make total sense to the storyline of the film, but true love knows no bounds.

To call Ryan the “star” of the film is really doing him a disservice – he is literally the only actor. Unlike other single-character films like 127 Hours (they threw in some flashbacks and a couple other hikers) or Castaway (Wilson the volleyball deserved an Oscar if you ask me), Ryan is the only face we see. And what a hunky face it is. His character goes through a broad arc of feelings – fear, anger, determination, despair, and confusion… kind of like my feelings on an average date.

You know how sometimes movie studios will auction off costumes or sets from films? Well, believe you me, if this dang box becomes available I will sell all my worldly possessions to own it and sleep in it every night. Creepy, yes, but also such a great space saver!

Be sure to look at our movie page where you can see our interview with Ryan and Rodrigo where they discuss the Hitchcockian elements of the film (the constant, elevated suspense will get your heart pounding), the difficulties of filming in one spot with one man, and – best of all – video of when I trapped Derek (the other man in my life) in his own box at Comic Con. Whoops!

L.T.

I Need a Hero Ahh, yes, finally, we’re only a day away from my...

Wed, 25 May 2011 16:48:09 -0400

I Need a Hero

Ahh, yes, finally, we’re only a day away from my favorite thing on the planet – government mandated days of rest! Memorial Day is particularly fabulous because, although it is really about recognizing all of the soldiers who have given their lives for America, it’s also about hot dogs, hammocks and vodka-soaked watermelon (at my house at least). I wish that there were some soldiers around here for me to hug and thank in person, but I’ll have to settle for the Hollywood version of a hero. What’s that you say? You want to see some Hollywood heroes too? Well look no further! Seriously, stop looking because it’s right here on EPIX. We’re calling it Heroes Unlimited and it’s just that; a slew of heroes smooshed into a daylong marathon of action flicks.

We’ve got The Expendables: The Extended Cut (never before seen!), Inferno: The Making of The Expendables, Kick-Ass, Iron Man 2, The Last Airbender, and G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. And believe-you-me my friend, if you haven’t seen these movies yet (or even if you’ve just seen the regular ol’ movie theater version of The Expendables) you’ll want to ditch the BBQ and saddle up to your screen and see what you’ve been missing. Sly Stallone, Chloe Grace Moretz, Robert Downey Jr., Dev Patel and Channing Tatum might seem like a motley crew of actors, but after you watch their films you’ll realize that together they’re an unstoppable force. They’re all such bad-asses it makes me wonder what kind of crazy feats they would be capable of if assembled together in real life. Coincidence that the names of the secret SEAL team that killed Osama bin Laden have not been revealed??… I think not.

But before the marathon can begin, our legal team wants me to add a few words. EPIX is not responsible for any injuries you may cause to yourself or others while out fighting crime. Sure, you’ll get inspired after seeing these movies and ask yourself “hey – what can I do to be a hero in my neighborhood?” The answer to that query is to volunteer at a soup kitchen, be a crossing guard, or – if you’re feeling adventurous – offer half of your sandwich to the rabid squirrel starring you down. Do not try to build your own Iron Man suit and teach some bad guys a lesson. Trust me, I’ve tried it and the results have been less than stellar.

So slap on your spandex jumpsuit (I know you have one) and watch some heroes with me on Monday. Then leave a comment below letting me know who your favorite hero is and why. And yes, the camera guy from Inferno is a perfectly good answer.

L.T.

An Open Letter to Ahhhhnold Umm… hey Arnold. Not sure how to...

Fri, 20 May 2011 16:01:00 -0400

An Open Letter to Ahhhhnold

Umm… hey Arnold. Not sure how to tell you this but I think you’ve lost your dang mind. I mean, really, what is going on over there? Have you been hanging out with Jesse James? Thank goodness I’m a speed-reader because frankly I’m not sure how I could keep up with all your craziness if I weren’t. First I read you’re getting divorced – my condolences – then I see that it’s because you had an affair. You should definitely be publically shamed for your inability to keep it in your spandex shorts, but a celebrity having an affair (especially one in politics and double especially one who lives in California) happens about as frequently as my feeding times so I cant say I was surprised. What did surprise me, however, was that you were dumb enough to freestyle it and had a kid – POSSIBLY TWO KIDS – with these women.

I know English isn’t your first language (heck, are you even fluent?) but you should at least be able to read the instructions on a condom wrapper. And even if you can’t, they’re pretty self-explanatory. A one-night stand, fine; an affair, shame on you; having a kid, bad news; having ANOTHER child with yet another woman… you have got to be kidding me. But the worst part of the entire shebang (emphasis on the ‘bang’) is that you didn’t acknowledge these children for almost 15 years. A couple bottles of wine and a new pool boy and Maria will be fine – these two kids are the real victims. Bottom line – you give me a bad case of the yuckies.

Love, LT!

Moving forward – a couple notes. One, does the Governator’s clear ability to impregnate anyone in his path debunk the rumor that steroids affect a man’s fertility? Two, who wouldda thunk that anyone could make John Edwards and Elliot Spitzer look relatively normal? Three, lets remember Arnold for the legacy he would have left behind had this last week not happened. Yes, I know - that’s kind of like saying, “whenever I think of Charlie Sheen, I think about how great he was in Platoon!” but we have to try to look past Arnold’s indiscretions in the name of entertainment. Pumping Iron, The Running Man, Raw Deal, The Expendables, The Terminator and he’s greatest role ever as Detective John Kimble in Kindergarten Cop – these are all great movies, people! So lets take a moment to thank Arnold for all he has done for Hollywood (both as an actor and as the Governor) and, more importantly, let’s thank him for not impregnating us.

L.T.

Hammer Time It seems like just yesterday I was at Comic-Con with...

Thu, 05 May 2011 11:07:33 -0400

Hammer Time

It seems like just yesterday I was at Comic-Con with my betrothed admiring the gargantuan, gilded set of Thor and tomorrow the wait will be over – the film opens and I’ll finally be able to see that set in action, hopefully with Chris Hemsworth’s fine tush walking all over it. The movie also stars Anthony Hopkins who rocks a golden eye patch that evokes my love for pirates, which, frankly, I appreciate. Rounding out the cast is my gal pal Natalie Portman but that shouldn’t be much of a surprise since she has been in every film released this year. Literally every film; that statement is not an exaggeration at all.

I hate to admit this, and if anyone dares bring it up later I’ll claim that the Fan Boy spirit briefly possessed me, but I’m actually a sucker for all things Marvel. I love the idea of heroes and everything they symbolize. Thor is an especially amazing character because once his eye-patch-wearing dad casts him down to Earth he is forced to become a great man and can then become a great hero. His journey is kind of inspirational in a comicy-way. The story of Thor really reminds me of Greek mythology too, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I can feel my inner nerd busting out of my cool shell and I need to rein it in.

So, to recap: the film comes out tomorrow but in the meantime you must – simply MUST – look at our movie page and see the slew of extras we have. Star interviews from the premier’s red carpet, press junket highlights, movie clips, behind the scenes peeks into the making of the movie and… the one and only STAN LEE, also known as the man I would dump my boyfriend like a bad habit for. Yeah, it would be a May-December type of relationship but whatever – I’ve had a thing for Stan since his cameo in Mallrats circa 1995. Sick, I know.

One final note – how fast do you think you could assemble an entire room filled with IKEA furniture if you had Thor’s hammer? Just sayin’.

L.T.

Happy Bad Ass Mother’s Day Mother’s Day is just around the...

Fri, 29 Apr 2011 19:13:00 -0400

Happy Bad Ass Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is just around the corner and I can’t think of a more appropriate way to celebrate than by settling in for a sweet movie marathon of flicks that star some real Bad Ass Mothers. On second thought, I guess a more appropriate way to celebrate would be to take your mother out to brunch of send her a nice e-card (heck, maybe even spring for the tangible Hallmark variety!) but being appropriate was never really my thing. I like to thank my mom for all she has done for me on my birthday – the day she “brought in into the world” or, more accurately, the day I ripped myself free from her body, against her will. When you look at it that way, birthdays really should be about celebrating your mom and Mother’s Day should be about celebrating Arnold Schwarzenegger. AmIright??

Our “Bad Ass Mother” Movie Collection features The Terminator, Harry Brown, From Paris With Love, Gamer and Crank: High Voltage. Or, as I like to call it, The Anthology of Films that Best Represent the Life and Times of L.T. Allow me to take a moment and highlight the similarities between each film and my own dramatic adventures.

Arnold told everyone “I’ll be back” in the film that really kicked his career into high gear. Similarly, I told everyone in my office “I’ll be back” after I went to grab lunch; a deep-fried-carb-loaded lunch that later rendered me unable to actually kick anything. Harry Brown stars Michael Caine as a man who takes the teenage violence that is running rampant in his community into his own hands. Just like Michael, I too decided to put a stop to my community’s growing noise problem and took it upon myself to slip notes into my neighbor’s mailboxes when I felt their music was too loud. That’ll teach ‘em!

Jonathan Rhys Meyers has to carry around a vase in To Paris With Love because of it’s unique composition and I had to carry around a vase when I moved from my last apartment because, let’s face it, sometimes moving men don’t handle everything with care even when marked FRAGILE. Gamer is about a future where videogames have evolved into real-life manhunt (kind of like The Running Man) and that’s just like my life because after playing “Order Up” on my Wii for a few consecutive days I decided to enroll in culinary school. I wish this little tidbit was a joke but it’s not.

Crank is an easy one – Jason Statham attaches jumper cables to his nipple and tongue and so do I! But then again, who doesn’t?!

If you want to mix and match a traditional Mother’s Day with an EPIX Mother’s Day, you could always watch these movies with your mom. Ta-da! Compromise made.

L.T.

P.S. Congratulations to Prince Will.i.am and Kate Middleton! I’m sure your ceremony was lovely but you’ve got nothing on the nuptials of the one and only Derek and yours truly.

Other Than That Mrs. Lincoln, How Was the Play? Occasionally the...

Thu, 14 Apr 2011 23:14:00 -0400

Other Than That Mrs. Lincoln, How Was the Play?

Occasionally the planets align and something that I happen to take a natural liking to becomes popular with mainstream culture. For example – I love a nice loose-fitting pant. I often wear them in the privacy of my own home whilst binge eating and now, thanks to simply changing their name from “fatty fatty boom boom time pants” to “harem pants,” it’s suddenly socially acceptable to wear them outside. Ditto for my favorite old-lady classic, the housecoat, which now due to divine intervention, is considered borderline trendy when you synch it at the waist, say it’s “vintage” and mumble something about an Olsen twin. The key is that you can neither be rocking slippers nor shuffling down the street with rollers in your hair at the same time as wearing said housecoat or you’ll be revealed as a style imposter.

I also enjoy reading much more than the average person and now it’s cool thanks Oprah’s book Club… Let me re-phrase: I enjoy staying in on Saturday nights to read much more than the average mid-twenties gal. Thank goodness I’m allergic to cats or I would clutching a one-way ticket to cat lady land. But affinity for felines or not, some would argue it’s cool to be into books. And the “some” I’m referring to is, of course, my mother and my imaginary friends.

The L.T. As Taste Maker Phenomenon (or LTATMP as the experts call it for short) could also be seen when I said, sometime around 1999, “Hey people, stripes are cool! Celine Dion is cool! History is cool!” Then, lo and behold, J.Crew grows an empire based on nautical looks, Celine gets a ninety-year contract pounding her chest in Vegas, and finally Robert Redford directs a historical drama. See, there was an EPIX tie-in just waiting to bust it’s way through the two paragraphs of utter bologna above.

The Conspirator is the kind of movie I would make if anyone gave a damn about the kind of movie a housecoat-wearing nerd would want to make. It’s a historical film, (Earth to screenwriters – some of the best material can be found in a 4^th grade text book), but has an all-star cast, which is clearly the best of both worlds. Robin Wright, James McAvoy, Evan Rachel Wood, Kevin Kline and Justin Long are just a few of the many stars. The Mac guy (and Drew Barrymore’s ex) is pretty cool but he is topped by Jim True-Frost, an actor who hasn’t been in a big blockbuster since the late 90’s but has such an exceptional double last name that he earns top billing.

The film is about President Lincoln’s assassination and the no-good-dirty-rotten-scoundrels, scallywags and menaces to society that plotted it. Yup, it wasn’t just John Wilkes Booth who did the deed – many people, including a woman, were charged with planning the attack and ruining a perfectly lovely off-Broadway rendition of “Jersey Boys.” Ok, that last part was historically inaccurate – the Lincolns were actually going to see “Mamma Mia!”

The film is released today – check it out and leave a comment below telling me what you thought. Think Redford purposefully coincided the release date with taxes being due in an attempt to play into everyone’s love/hate relationship with the government?

In the mean time, be sure to look at our movie page for the entire collection of behind the scenes clips you can’t find anywhere else.

L.T.

It’s MY Turn (Said in Creepy Black Swan Voice) About three...

Thu, 07 Apr 2011 16:55:50 -0400

It’s MY Turn (Said in Creepy Black Swan Voice)

About three months ago I left New York to go on an adventure. I imagined myself starring in my own coming-of-age movie that involved long road trips (kind of like Thelma and Louise but without the whole murder/suicide thing) and the occasional rugged man who would help me fix the flat tires that inevitably accompany cross-country journeys. I figured I would be meeting new people, trying new things and would eventually find my true calling. Being that I had no idea what that calling was, my luggage was similar to an abandoned costume chest you might find on an old movie set. I have pirate shirts for my sailing adventures, hiking boots for my 127 Hours–inspired excursions and an extensive spandex artillery just in case my “true calling” turns out to be as a crime fighting superhero.

Now that it’s my turn to be the heroine I’m discovering that my role isn’t fully developed; I’m a little all-over-the-place. One second I want to be a professional athlete and then the next I’m watching a late-night infomercial and seriously considering purchasing a portable deep fryer. Sometimes I want to be this strong, independent woman and other times I want to wake up to a letter from Columbia Presbyterian Hospital saying there was a terrible mix-up 25 years ago and I was actually switched at birth. The hospital is flying me to my true home, Buckingham Palace, and paying me substantially for the pain and suffering a quarter of a century of subway rides must have caused. Sometimes I hope I will go through a delayed puberty and turn into a werewolf (they’re all the rage now!) or shed my good-girl image with a stint as a Vegas showgirl.

I’m constantly looking for my next adventure and movies are the perfect inspiration. Still on my To Do list is time travel, then an inter-galactic experience that involves astronaut ice cream (that stuff is surprisingly delicious). After that, who’s storyline should I steal from? Maybe a couple rounds in the ring like Rocky? Leave a comment below letting me know what role you think I should play next and – fingers crossed – I’ll be brave enough to try it.

L.T.

P.S. As I’m sure you’ve realized by now, my last post was an April Fool’s Day joke. So, to all the potential suitors out there, don’t you worry! I’m still significantly closer to a life of solitude (well, not totally alone – I have my cats!) than I am to marriage.

Making Movie Magic of My Own Exciting – no, thrilling! -...

Thu, 31 Mar 2011 23:25:58 -0400

Making Movie Magic of My Own

Exciting – no, thrilling! - breaking news coming from the world of EPIX. Yes, it is a bit personal but I feel wrong not sharing this with all of you, my loyal readers. Derek, EPIX’s amazing Producer and the love of my life, has finally proposed to me after nine long months of dating. It all started back in July when we went to Comic-Con. As we navigated the crowded convention hall together I knew that there was something between us – something so much more than just a superficial working relationship.

We tried our best to keep our feelings for each other under wraps while in the office, but with a magnetic connection like ours it is nearly impossible to deny our feelings, regardless of our surroundings. Luckily for us we were sent on a bunch of assignments together including press junkets for The Next Three Days and Rabbit Hole. We also went to the red carpet premiere of The Last Airbender and Why Did I Get Married Too? but it wasn’t until after I heard him chuckle at the most inappropriate time during a screening of For Colored Girls did I know for sure that he was The One for me. Sitting through Jackass 3D and Buried with him have been some of the best hours of my life, and I can’t wait for the lifetime of movies ahead of us.

We haven’t set a date yet but you can bet your bottom dollar that the wedding will be EPIX-themed, red carpet and all!

L.T.

Jokes On You In the spirit of tomorrow being April Fools Day, I...

Thu, 31 Mar 2011 22:43:23 -0400

Jokes On You

In the spirit of tomorrow being April Fools Day, I thought I would write a blog dedicated to all of the films that have a major “whoopsie!” moment. The movies that slowly and carefully lead us, the viewers, down a deliberate path and then BAM the jokes on you and nothing is as it seems.

Like in Brothers when Natalie Portman’s character thinks that Tobey Maguire is dead as a doornail. She moves on with her life and snuggles up to his brother, Jake Gyllenhaal (can’t say I blame her) but then, WHAM, Tobey is back from the dead and slightly irritated that his kid brother is encroaching on his turf. Or in Desperately Seeking Susan when you’re thinking “oh wow, Madonna is so cool and original” and then all of a sudden – POW! - she has a doppelganger in the form of Rosanna Arquette. Or Hot Tub Time Machine where John Cusack and his group of friends are middle-aged and resigned to having a mediocre life, then BOOM they all get a second chance and Lougle is born. Or Shutter Island where, let’s face it, the joke is on Leonardo DiCaprio and not us. Leo is a U.S. Marshall one second and then KAPOW, he’s just as coo-coo crazy as the bald lady in the loony bin. Don’t even get me started on The Usual Suspects.

So, what films have thrown you for a loop? The Sixth Sense, Fight Club and The Game are just a few more that come to mind for me. Oh, and Finding Nemo.

L.T.

This is Awkward… Ever catch a preview for a movie that makes you...

Thu, 24 Mar 2011 11:58:02 -0400

This is Awkward…

Ever catch a preview for a movie that makes you cringe but you can’t put your finger on why? Then finally you realize, it’s not the plot or the script, it’s not the camera angles or the lighting – it’s the cast. Like Bad Teacher, for example; the upcoming film that stars Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake who seriously dated for years and are now, apparently, such functional exes that they can co-star in a movie. Awkward turtle. But at least they’ve had a few years to get over everything – think of all the couples that dated during a film’s production and then broke things off. Being a real-life duo is all footloose and fancy free while you’re filming, but try going through an entire press junket with an ex. Yuckies.

Then there is the uncomfortable “bitch stole my script” moment when two movies that are freakishly similar come out at the same time. Like what’s up with Black Swan’s Natalie Portman starring in No Strings Attached and Black Swan’s Mila Kunis starring in Friends with Benefits (which also stars Justin Timberlake – I’m starting to sense a theme). I mean, did they not discuss their next projects while working together? Do you think they got mad and forced their respective leading men, Ashton Kutcher and JT, to give each other hunky-man dirty looks or did they chuckle and say things like “oh, silly Hollywood executives!” Or, best case scenario, maybe they just ignored the whole situation until after the films were released and said something like “oh, you did a movie about f*** buddies? Weird, me too!”

But these are all silly inconveniences compared to the Mac Daddy of awkward situations – co-starring with your ex’s new significant other. If I could just be a fly on the craft services table during the filming breaks of The Lincoln Lawyer… Lord only knows how Ryan Phillippe, my boyfriend, dealt with being around Matthew McConaughey, my ex! Honestly, sometimes I think my life is morphing into a Nora Ephron screenplay.

L.T.

Getting Lucky It’s St. Patrick’s Day and that has me thinking...

Thu, 17 Mar 2011 21:53:00 -0400

Getting Lucky

It’s St. Patrick’s Day and that has me thinking about – what else – Jennifer Aniston in The Leprechaun! I just re-watched the trailer for that film and it was approximately .0002% as terrifying as I remembered it being. I mean, it co-stars Mark Holton (the actor who played the adorable Chubby in Teen Wolf AND the adult Stilwell in A League of Their Own) – this man’s chipmunk cheeks could make starring down the four horsemen of the apocalypse slightly less terrifying… why he was cast in a horror film is a mystery to me! Anyhoo, I’m also thinking about pots of gold, four leaf clovers, green beer and Hoboken. I don’t think I’ve ever even been to Hoboken – have been to Ireland, though! – but I’m thinking about it nonetheless.

I’m also thinking about how lucky I am and how you don’t need to be Irish to catch a break. Deep down I think luck is something that you have to hunt down on your own and create for yourself, but there have definitely been a few moments in my life that were closer to divine intervention than just mere coincidence. Like that time I didn’t marry the Grade-A loser I was dating (YES I AM TALKING ABOUT YOU, MARK). Or that time I had a loose tooth in first grade and couldn’t take a bite of the apple that ended up giving my sister the weirdest case of food poisoning ever, moments before taking off on a transatlantic flight. Seriously. Or that time I found out that the self-diagnosed TMJ I was suffering from was really just the result of trying to gnaw my way through too many frozen PowerBars. What can I say? I love a fad diet as much as the next girl…

Then I got all Sliding-Doors-y and thought about how many films are built completely around these random moments of sheer luck - a chance meeting at the local coffee shop, being mistaken for a millionaire when you’re actually broke, sitting next to a guy on the bus who looks a lot like Keanu Reeves and handles emergencies well, physically running into a stranger and both of you throwing a pile of papers into the air that then get entwined and you have to sort through them together (and he’s cute!), your daughter’s murderers accidentally wandering into your retaliation-ready home, accidentally creating the perfect combination of beer and a hot tub to create a time machine, randomly seeing a girl you think is cool and deciding to take over her life – you know, chance encounters like that.

So, what are your favorite movies where Luck is the star? And can you guess which one’s I’m talking about above? Spoiler-alert: click-through and it will ruin the guessing game. Leave a comment below and let me know what you think!

And one more thing before I go – I practically have to say it – be sure to celebrate this holiest of holidays by sitting down and watching Ice-T and Coolio in Leprechaun 5: In the Hood. There… I said it. Happy St. Patrick’s Day.

Erin Go Bragh,

L.T.

On Your Mark, Get Set… Often, when grappling with my...

Thu, 10 Mar 2011 10:36:46 -0500

On Your Mark, Get Set…

Often, when grappling with my quarter-life crisis, I ask myself if it is too late to become a professional athlete. The fame, the fortune and the endless supply of Gatorade – what’s not to love? But more often than not, my inner voice of reason (who looks like Scruff McGruff and sounds shockingly similar to James Earl Jones) bellows out a loud and ominous “YES… Yes, Lauren, it is too late.” But then mere moments later, when I settle back into my millennial you-can-be-whatever-you-want-to-be-even-if-you-lack-any-and-all-forms-of-talent-or-drive attitude I hear my laid back conscience, (who, if you were wondering, looks like Jiminy Cricket but sounds like Charlie Sheen), tell me that I’m a goddess with winning tiger blood and it’s never too late to follow my dreams. Charlie whispers in my ear that I am an excellent sleeper – significantly more dedicated to the craft of catnapping than most – and thus I would be a great luger since I can lay down so flat. I know it’s not technically an Olympic sport, but I would obviously dominate the competitive eating circuit as well. Just a few of my many other natural athletic abilities include mancala and POGs (I killed the middle school recess circuit), Mario Cart, compulsive cleaning, slot machines and flat ironing my weave. But alas, I’m still not a professional athlete.

I mean, look at a girl like Lindsey Vonn. We were born in the same hospital, look like identical twins, have the same natural talents and dedication to the sport of skiing – and yet she’s an Olympian and I’m not. I would wallow in my shortcomings for a while if it weren’t for the fact that A) none of the things I listed above are true and B) I’m sure she’s on the top of a mountain somewhere freezing her tush off wishing she were a blogger for EPIX. And, since sadly there isn’t really a sport that capitalizes on my specific skill set yet, I’m going to have to leave the whole exercise-related thing to Lindsey. But I’m happy to do it - I’ve always been more of a Posh Spice than a Sporty Spice – and if I’m going to lose the title of “Most Athletic” to anyone I would want it to be her. The 26 year old has been skiing since she was 2 years old and made her Olympic debut at 17. She was awarded 8 crystal globes at the 2010 FIS World Cup, she was the first American woman to win a gold medal in the downhill competition, and, lest I forget her biggest accomplishment of al time, she was voted #59 on Maxim’s Hot 100 List. Mazel Tov!

You might be wondering how a self-absorbed, potato chip guzzling gal like myself could possibly know so much about an Olympian (aside from Bruce Jenner – I know tons about him from watching “Keeping Up with the Kardashians”) so I’ll fill you in on my secret; EPIX has a new Original Documentary called Lindsey Vonn: In the Moment and it looks amazeballs. It premieres March 13^th at 8pm ET – watch it so that we can discuss how little I have achieved in my life compared to Ms. Vonn… or watch it just because it’s pretty fascinating to see her in her element, Lycra bodysuit and all. Check it out and then leave a comment below telling me what you thought.

L.T.

83rd Times the Charm Ahh, it seems just yesterday I was writing...

Fri, 04 Mar 2011 18:24:41 -0500

83^rd Times the Charm

Ahh, it seems just yesterday I was writing my very first blog for EPIX exploring the epic awkwardness that was the 2010 Academy Awards and now, here we are a year later and I could pretty much copy and paste my ranting and raving from last year and pass it off as a fresh post. Why, oh WHY must the Oscars make me feel so uncomfortable? I can barely look at a photo of Anne Hathaway and James Franco without cringing, let alone actually listen to them speak. But frankly it is even worse than just being merely uncomfortable – I was often utterly perplexed by the whole production.

Where to begin, where to begin… as I’ve mentioned before, I have a major problem with actors thinking they’re singers and vice versa. Owning a SAG card does not entitle you to “perform” whenever there is a stage within 100 yards. But apparently Anne and Gwyneth Paltrow don’t read LT Features (shocking, I know) because they both busted out into song. Making matters even worse, Anne sang in a suit about Hugh Jackman (how Hugh Jackman was relevant to anything this year is beyond me) and Gwyn was introduced as “Country music’s newest star.” Oy vey.

Anne also took the liberty of having a “personal moment” while she twisted and let the beads oh her dress flop around her torso. She had so many aww-gee-shucks-I-can’t-believe-I’m-really-here-in-big-ol’-Hollywood moments that I wanted to poke my eyes out. I asked myself what happened to my beloved Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin every time she covered her mouth and fake giggled like a stereotypical Asian tourist with a Hello Kitty backpack asking someone to take their picture in front of a Starbucks or something equally generic. I just wanted to shake Anne and scream, “at least try to be cool.”

But it wasn’t all bad. Despite appearing to be stoned out of his gourde, James Franco really rocked his brief but memorable moment dressed in drag as a Marilyn Monroe. Melissa Leo dropped an f-bomb in her acceptance speech, which gave me a chuckle since I have the maturity of a ten-year-old boy. Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis had somewhat amusing banter, Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law were quite hilarious and Colleen Atwood, the woman who won the Oscar for Costume Design for her work on Alice in Wonderland had the funniest speech of the night.

You see, Colleen wasn’t trying to be funny and that’s why she was so successful. First she shoves poor Oscar into her armpit while she retrieves her speech and then she proceeded to thank everyone in the most monotone and ridiculous manner imaginable. It was like, despite reading off of an index card, she couldn’t remember what she was saying. I would like to thank the… Academy. And Director Tim… uh… Burton… I mean, were you so unbelievably busy that you couldn’t memorize your speech?

In conclusion, there were some things I liked about Sunday (Kirk Douglas’ sassiness, for example) and some things I hated (I won’t name names but it rhymes with Shmanne Shmathaway), and although nothing I predicted would happen actually happened I still enjoyed the show. What did you think? Leave a comment below and let me know!

L.T.

It’s a Science I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I...

Thu, 24 Feb 2011 14:00:00 -0500

It’s a Science

I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I have cracked a joke that I found to be utterly hilarious and hear nothing but crickets in return. Just yesterday I went to an exercise class (something I rarely do) but the usual instructor wasn’t there. When I asked his replacement where “my boo” had run off to, the nasty substitute informed me – in front of the entire class - that he was on vacation with his fiancée and that I should be more discreet about my crush. Hummina, hummina whaaa? Calling someone your “boo” is hysterical, no? I shuffled off with my embarrassed little tail between my legs muttering to myself, “this is why I don’t exercise…”

This mortifying debacle spurred a conversation with my friend about what makes someone funny. Why are some people universally funny and others possess a specific breed of hilarity? For example, you either find Woody Allen to be a riot or you think he’s a snooze… a confused, and maybe even perverted, snooze at that. If British humor is dry then is American humor soaking wet? After ranking our group of friends by comedic wit we tried to determine the science behind it. My hypothesis was that natural comic timing is born from being somewhat different. Maybe you are a middle child who needed some extra attention, maybe you got teased for whatever reason (and unfortunate last name, perhaps) and developed a quick tongue, or maybe you’re kind of fugly and had to be funny so that you wouldn’t be stoned to death. I mean, think about it – there aren’t any attractive, well-adjusted, first-born comics out there. Kudos to my friend for pointing out that if I think I’m funny, my theory would dictate that I couldn’t possibly be attractive. Touché. Luckily there is an exception to every rule…

Determined to solve this mystery, I put on the Marie Curie lab coat I always keep handy and got to work. Below is my scientific, mathematic explanation as to what makes our most beloved comics so hilarious.

Scottish accent + controlled-for-network-TV-dirty-mouth + desk =

Craig Ferguson

(48 Hrs x 2) + Leather suit + racy content – ½ [“I want half Eddie!”] =

Eddie Murphy

Extra pounds + run-on-sentences + cult following + hockey jersey =

Kevin Smith

Self-deprecation + full sleeve tattoos + Spanx + A-sexuality =

Janeane Garofalo

Drag + former-street-performer + Emmy nomination + world history =

Eddie Izzard

Sombrero + clueless but lovable Inspector + side-splitting tweets =

Steve Martin

Grandma you don’t want to mess with + fat suit + world domination =

Tyler Perry

Writer for Ben Stiller + never nude + kid in bald cap =

David Cross

Politics + finger-pointing + screaming + Daily Show =

Lewis Black

So, what do you think of my comedic equations; any dashes-of-this or eye-of-Newt that should be added to my recipes for funny? Leave a comment below and tell me what you think I’m missing.

L.T.

Save Some Jobs for the Rest of Us A wise man once told me that...

Wed, 16 Feb 2011 22:09:00 -0500

Save Some Jobs for the Rest of Us

A wise man once told me that you could be anything you want to be – you just can’t be everything you want to be at once. Watching the Grammys this past weekend got me wondering if this rule applies to rock stars too or if it is reserved purely for us common folk. Christina Aguilera “debuted” as an actress in Burlesque with Cher, the original triple threat. Justin Beiber is tearing it up at the box office with Never Say Never, Katy Perry is guest starring on “How I Met Your Mother,” and Lady Gaga is morphing her entire life into a Michael Bay film. Gwyneth Paltrow is singing Cee Lo’s song with the Muppets (I thought her hubby was the pop star? I thought Jason Segel was the Muppet guy?), and Muse front man Matthew Bellamy is thanking Kate Hudson for his win. Is nothing sacred anymore? Why can’t singers be singers and actors be actors? I know I’ve preached about this before, but with so many struggling actors and “American Idol” contestants out there, why not share the love? It’s hard enough with all of those High School Musical and “Glee” kids running amuck, snatching up every role they can get their greedy little SAG-card-wielding paws on. It’s a recession, people! Lets distribute the jobs equally amongst all of Hollywood’s hopefuls. The one exception to the rule is Madonna – the Queen does what she wants.

I know you’ll find it hard to believe that I ever had a life before EPIX, but back in the day I was quite the actress myself. I took classes at Lee Strasberg (Gaga herself was in my class – true story) and stared as Mayor George Shinn in “The Music Man.” I also played the critically acclaimed Boatman #2 in “H.M.S. Pinafore.” We’re talking big time star on the middle school circuit. My demise came when I accepted the role of Maria in “West Side Story”… Somewhere between “I feel pretty” and “oh so pretty” my career came to a screeching halt. While clearly I killed it as an actress, my singing voice is best saved for the shower. Let that be a lesson to everyone out there in Hollywood – the Grammys are for musicians and the Oscars are for actors. Lord help me if Anne Hathaway and James Franco break into song in their opening routine…

L.T.

Tweet, Tweet It’s Social Media Week in New York City (speaking...

Wed, 09 Feb 2011 21:45:00 -0500

Tweet, Tweet

It’s Social Media Week in New York City (speaking of, are you following EPIX and Inside Hollywood on Twitter? If not, you should be!) and it has me thinking about how much Hollywood – and more specifically, the interaction between regular-ol’-folk and celebrities – has changed over the past few years. Back in the day, we collected autographs and hung posters of Jonathan Taylor Thomas above our beds, but now we follow them on Twitter and fan them on Facebook. We feel involved in their every day lives because we constantly know what they’re doing thanks to real time updates. Obviously there are huge advantages to the recent developments in social media, like being able to create your own personalized newsfeed of whatever subjects and public personalities interest you most, but like everything in life there is also a downside.

For example, Courtney Love (I love you Court and I’m sorry I have to do this to you) keeps getting into confrontations over Twitter with everyone from Ed Norton to her own daughter. Not cool, Courtney. Another downside is that you become so familiar with these celebrities that if, by some strange miracle, you ever see them in real life you have a false sense of familiarity. I don’t want to get into the gritty details, but I once saw a reality-star/lifestyle-guru crossing the street and struck up a conversation with her as if we shared a dorm room in college. Muy embarazoso.

But I have to give a shout-out to the celebrities that have really embraced social media and made it their own. I hate to reveal the little man behind the curtain here, but some celebrities hire “experts” or let their PR team manage their accounts. (Keep that in mind the next time you’re running out the door to buy a product that Kim Kardashian tweeted about). A couple stars that deserve recognition for pioneering the new-wave-media path: Kevin Smith, Ashton Kutcher and Oren Peli, the Director of Paranormal Activity. Kevin tweeted about being too chubby for a Southwest flight and got millions of followers up in arms. (He also retweeted me twice, which automatically puts him first on my list of most influential tweeters). Ashton has been dubbed the King of Social Media for his bonkers number of followers and public embracing of the relatively new tool. And finally, Oren for asking fans to demand his film be shown at their local theaters over Facebook.

Which celebrities do you think have made the best use of social media? What about the worst? Leave a comment below and let me know!

L.T.

I Accept This Award Every time I turn on the TV I see The Golden...

Mon, 07 Feb 2011 13:03:00 -0500

I Accept This Award

Every time I turn on the TV I see The Golden Globes, The Screen Actors Guild, The Academy Awards or some crazy combination of all three. All of the hoopla can only mean one thing – we are knee deep in award season. Personally I get a kick out of how Hollywood works their way up to the big show with other equally fun but dare-I-say less prestigious award ceremonies. I mean, you don’t see “Starring SAG-Nominated Actress…” in the opening credits of many films. Big whoop if you won a Moon Man at the MTV Movie Awards or a giant surfboard at the Teen Choice Awards, they’re nothin’ if you don’t have that little golden man sitting atop of your mantle.

Yes - the nominations, the winners, the who-wore-what, and the baby-bump-watch-2011 can all get a little daunting but there are some aspects of the actual award shows that I like. You can see what the actresses and actors wore in gossip magazines, you can read who won and how fat… I mean pregnant… they looked while accepting their award online – but actually seeing the strange and sometimes painfully awkward acceptance speeches is most exciting when done live. One of the many bonuses of having multiple ceremonies leading up to Oscar night is that you can see what style dress works best for you (points to Natalie Portman for seriously improving her look from the Golden Globes to the SAG Awards), you can rehearse your “aww, too bad I didn’t win but I’m so happy for so-and-so!” face and finally, you can get your speech down. Why so few performers take advantage of this opportunity will forever be a mystery to me.

Everyone has to thank the core group that got him or her there – parents, Director, Agent and maybe even God (a classic!) – but then you add a personalized spin. In Natalie’s case, she does that awful, inexplicable, guttural laugh. It’s usually after I’m starring at the TV with my jaw on the floor that I remember that these talented actors and actresses just memorize lines given to them – their powerful on screen speeches were written by a professional so I shouldn’t get my hopes up that their acceptance speeches will pack an equally powerful punch. Why are my expectations always so high?

Like that Miss Teen USA speech that went haywire, some stars just should not be given a microphone unless the audience is prepared to cringe. A couple celebrities who come to mind are Ricky Gervais, Kristen Stewart and Mariah Carey. Jessica Simpson (not like she’s won anything in a while) is another lady I would rather not hear speak publically. Anna Nicole Smith – R.I.P. – was skilled in many ways but eloquence was not one of them. Remember when Julia Roberts won best actress for Erin Brockovich but forgot to thank, oh you know, ERIN BROCKOVICH??

Who do you think does a real bang-up job of accepting awards and whom would you rather just nod and smile? Clearly I’ve been sipping on some Haterade all morning – I promise to include butterflies and lollipops in my next post.

L.T.

And The Oscar Goes To… It’s my favorite day in Hollywood (aside...

Fri, 28 Jan 2011 14:02:40 -0500

And The Oscar Goes To…

It’s my favorite day in Hollywood (aside from the Razzie Awards) – the Oscar nominations are out and now the bashing can begin! Oh boy, I just love the deeply personalized opinions that go hand-and-hand with The Academy Awards. Honestly, you would think that everyone had a kid in the running - how many times have you heard “they nominated her and not him?” I keep looking at cars and expecting to see a “My Child Was Nominated for Best Actor or Actress at Oscar High” bumper sticker. (Side note; those Honor Roll stickers are an open invitation to get you car keyed).

I could go through all of the nominees and discuss who I think will win and who I think should win – an important difference – but I thought it would be more fun to look at the list and come up with my ideal evening, aside from who walks away with the trophy, because it’s an honor just to be nominated and they’re all winners… or whatever. So in LT’s world this is what would happen:

Javier Bardem would win Actor in a Leading Role and hold his newborn son with Penelope Cruz up to the audience, Lion King style. Geoffrey Rush would win Actor in a Supporting Role for The King’s Speech but he would stutter through his entire acceptance speech and Christian Bale would bust onto the stage, Kanye West-Taylor Swift-style and knock Geoff out, proving that he might look like he’s suffering from major man-o-rexia but that he can still pack a punch.

Nicole Kidman would win Actress in a Leading Role for her performance in Rabbit Hole because she really did an amazing job. But then Natalie Portman would get so upset that she lost that either A) she goes into labor and delivers her baby right in the middle of the ceremony or B) she starts wrestling with her psyche and then making out with Mila Kunis… or just whacking off… I’m still not sure which it was. Next up Hailee Steinfeld wins Actress in a Supporting Role for her performance in True Grit and, after thanking the Academy, she screams, “Take that, Tatum O’Neal!” (If she does win, Hailee won’t surpass O’Neal as the youngest winner – she’s four years too late for that – but it would still be hilarious).

Best Directing would go to the Coen brothers for True Grit but they would only be given one statue and, after a few seconds of an awkward tug-of-war over Oscar, their mom would come out from behind the curtain and scold them both. She might say, “play nice!” or “no TV for a week!” or something equally mortifying. Maybe even spit on a tissue and rub it all over their faces. Then a whole bunch of other awards would be given out - AKA I would take a bathroom break and re-stock the popcorn bowl - and as the nominees for Best Picture were being introduced by my adoptive parents Brad and Angelina (yes, Brad is also my boyfriend so it gets a little complicated and sick but just go with it) the power would go out and the big winner would be a mystery because, frankly, there is nothing more irritating yet intriguing than a cliff hanger. The last thing the audience would hear would be James Franco screaming in agony because anything regarding cliffs sends him into a nasty 127 Hours flashback.

Leave a comment below and tell me how your ideal night would go!

L.T.

The Many Mixed Messages of Natalie Portman This past weekend I...

Wed, 19 Jan 2011 18:26:31 -0500

The Many Mixed Messages of Natalie Portman

This past weekend I saw Black Swan (a little behind on the times, I know) and I was blown away. It’s an incredible film and all that, but the dedication of both Natalie Portman as an actress and that of the character she played, Nina, was unbelievable. Natalie in real life had to transform her body into that of a professional dancer’s (and she did such an incredible job that I never thought she looked out of place amongst the other ballerinas), and Nina was so dedicated to her craft and she drove herself bonkers striving for perfection. Straight-up-bat-shit-crazy. Or should I say bird-shit-crazy? Har, har, har.

But one of the most amazing parts of the film happened before the movie even began – Natalie Portman was in three of the five trailers that screened before Black Swan. She kept popping up, trailer after trailer, that when I saw her in the third I laughed out loud. How it is even humanly possible to be in four films within 365 days is beyond me – I can barely handle a yearly teeth cleaning.

Natalie, unlike many actresses who are typecast over and over in the same roles (I’m talking to you, Jennifer Aniston), plays a distinctly different character in each of these four films. She’s a fragile yet determined ballerina in Black Swan, a crossbow-yielding and ass-kicking medieval chic in the comedy Your Highness, a human who befriends Thor in his namesake film, and a girl who is just looking to get her kicks in No Strings Attached. So which is it, Natalie? Are you a Boleyn sister, Queen Amidala, a depressed widow – you can’t have it all! With so many struggling actresses out there, it seems only fair that you save some roles for the rest of them.

I would argue that Natalie is the most versatile actress of her generation. Who else has surprised you with their ability to perfect a bevy of different characters? And don’t you dare say Jim Carrey – adult Attention Deafest Disorder does not count as dramatic range. Leave a comment below and let me know!

L.T.

I’ve Got The Eating Down… I know I’m like four years behind the...

Wed, 12 Jan 2011 15:04:17 -0500

I’ve Got The Eating Down…

I know I’m like four years behind the rest of the world, but I just finished reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray Love. Ok, fine – I’m only half way through the praying portion of her trip, but I’m reading it nonetheless. The book has got me thinking about a lot of stuff, and not all of it is cheesy like “where will my life’s journey lead me?” Some of my thoughts, for example, are centered on why she even left the never-ending-pasta-bowl that is Italy in the first place. But, who am I to judge.

This particular novel was made into a movie last summer but I never saw it. I was too busy watching Sly and his expendable buds kick some major bum to be concerned with one lady’s quest to get over her divorce (I guess I took that call to arms trailer very seriously). But I’ve come to realize that adventures come in all different shapes and sizes and since one of my New Year’s resolutions is to be more open minded, I guess I have to accept that you’re just as likely to stumble upon your true calling by traveling to an ashram in India as you are by conquering a South American dictator. I guess the point I’m trying to make is that we all “find ourselves” in different ways – some by going on a murderous rampage through the jungle and others by eating gelato until their pants don’t fit. In case you were wondering, I fall into the latter category.

Eat, Pray, Love is far from the only film (and definitely not the only book) that follows a character’s attempt to discover their true selves. There are many movies that explore “coming-of-age” at all different stages of life. Some discover their identities as a teenager like in the documentary American Teen, some find their chickpea-soul when they’re middle-aged like Paul Giamatti in Cold Souls and others’ cores are revealed after an important relationship develops like in Rain Man.

What is your favorite soul-searching film? And, better yet, where is the weirdest place a soul has been found? I’m thinking discovering one’s character after a few too many beers and a dip in a magical hot tub might be the winner, but I would love to hear your thoughts!

L.T.